Dozy Dave and Podgy Pete are a bit irked. Not spitting blood. But irked. The Financial Services Authority, bless its little cotton socks, has unleashed another attempt to crack down on insider trading. The watchdog regards this practice as rife but, rather embarrassingly, hardly ever catches any perpetrators.
Anyway, its latest rule came into force yesterday. It insists that calls made on work mobile phones must be recorded and retained for six months. Just like land lines.
This is harrowingly inconvenient, complain Dave and Pete.
They've only had to go and buy another moby, haven't they? The cheek of it, interfering with fellas just trying to make an honest living. Insider trading's not a crime is it? Well, yeah, technically it's a crime...
The latest purchase takes the number of mobile phones Dozy and Podgy have in operation to four each. One for work. One for the wife. One for not the wife.
One for other business.
Keeping track of them all is going to be a small challenge but these lads, whatever else they may lack, are good with numbers.
The traders regard the FSA's attempts to clean up the City as you would a cat trying to tie shoelaces. It's touching to watch, but you don't rate the cat's chances.
Dozy and Podgy's position on insider trading is quite clear. They restrict it solely to the occasions when they have actual inside information.
Otherwise, well, they are just punting. They could get lucky.
The FSA notes that share prices tend to move ahead of takeover rumours that turn out to be true. It might have also noticed that share prices move ahead of takeover rumours that turn out to be entirely false.
They move ahead of scheduled results announcements. And they move ahead of the sun coming up in the morning.
Traders say times are hard just now. It's difficult to make a turn because markets are so awkward to read. Clients are skittish and the compliance department is coming on all heavy since that unfortunate business at UBS the other week.
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So they'll lie low for a little bit, till the mood improves. Until then, stay sweet, they say. And give us a ring if you hear anything. On this number, not the other number. You got that treacle?
