Guerilla Burgers is for the teen crowd

Bite size: crunch into avocado, bacon and blue cheese in your cobb burger
10 April 2012

It's not often you leave a restaurant feeling queasy and overstuffed as if you’d been to a children’s party. But Guerilla Burgers is that place. The surprise is how unambitious the menu is. London’s latest high-concept burger joint is a street away from Selfridges. Surely the clientele could afford something more grown-up?

Not that Guerilla Burgers lacks vision. Some clever babyboomer has spotted a gap in the market. The brief: an ethical diner, with Sixties counter-cultural imagery. The place is decorated with slogans, saying: "Power to the Patty" and "‘Drop Food Not Bombs". We’re told the food shouts love not war. But also that "this is a restaurant that doesn’t take itself too seriously". A contradiction in terms. You’re either committed to seasonal ingredients and a proper organic butcher — or not.

The music is ear-splittingly loud; they’re angling for your dessert choice before you’ve necked the starter. One waiter poured red wine into my friend’s unfinished margarita. But before you complain, read the "house rules" which range from "music is at the volume we like" and "if you don’t see it, we don’t have it".

We started with a selection of "apps". We liked the jamjar crayfish cocktail and the raw slaw salad with seeds. But the salmon in the fish tacos had been grilled to death; and the chicken bites were gritty.

A diner stands and falls by its burgers. But I’m sorry to report the cobb burger (blue cheese, bacon, avocado) and rodeo burger (BBQ sauce, bacon, onion rings) were cardboard. "They’ve missed a trick," Jean insisted. "I’d happily pay more than £6.50 for better quality." The sweet potato fries were delicious. But I won’t bore you with the contents of my veggie burger. A lot is made of personal choice. You can have a small bun or even eat your burger "topless". We liked the fact that they give you a full range of condiments in a bucket. But it’s dispiriting when revolution is just another word for burger etiquette. "I have no idea what the vocabulary is," declared my artist friend. "It thinks it’s Che Guevara but actually it’s Wolfie Smith."

Desserts range from cookies ’n’ cream to two-hour baked cheesecake (two hours!). But suddenly the penny dropped. Of course if you’re over 30 — and need to mainline carbs — you’d go to Joe Allen for a classic burger. Or even McDonald’s. But we are the wrong age group. Guerilla Burgers is perfect for 13-year-old girls. It’s fun, safe, just a bit edgy. The gourmet equivalent of Cosmopolitan magazine. If you’re a cool mum, it’s perfect for a teen birthday. Topshop and Primark are a minute away.

So — one star for grown-ups and quite probably four for teens. When parents rule your lives, being able to decide every component of your burger probably feels like existential choice.

Guerilla Burgers
James Street, London, W1U 1EA

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