Do's and don't's at a salon
Allude to a fellow salon member's fame. If Madonna greets you: 'Hi, I'm Madonna,' do not, under any circumstances, respond: 'I know.' Equally, don't discuss anyone's last gig/column/TV show.
Refer to any information you've acquired about a fellow salon member's life via the medium of Heat or tabloid gossip columns. Wait until a fellow salon member offers that information up voluntarily, at which point, feign ignorance. Otherwise, you'll look like a stalker or - worse still - a fan.
Talk about work unless you're discussing some intensely creative sideline, in which the entire salon is involved. An art-house film script, poetry reading, or some such thing.
Discuss the banal minutiae of life outside salon. Never moan about Tube delays, bitch about increased cab tariffs or angst over your mortgage. Salon life is sparkling and fun, and any reference to a lifestyle that is not will dampen the mood.
Look better than the salon dowager. If you are younger and prettier, have the good grace to wear less impressive clothes, and perhaps even contrive to have a bad-hair day.
At salon, do...
Talk knowledgeably about the salon dowager's private art collection.
Bitch delicately, but unobtrusively, about the salon dowager's social nemesis.
Take a fervently anti-press stance on all occasions. Claim never to read the newspapers, and absolutely never to read your own press. Although, clearly, you must.
Assume that the most famous or richest in the room (generally the salon dowager) will pick up any bills incurred. Don't discuss the bill, or offer to pay, or take part in any embarrassing 'Are you sure?' conversations. Although graciously thank the bill-payer afterwards, naturally.
