Exclusive: Deborah Ross answers your questions

12 April 2012

Britain's leading Non-Domestic Goddess, Deborah Ross joined us for an exclusive webchat to answer all your relationship riddles...

Admin: Welcome everyone to today's live web chat with Deborah Ross. Deborah will be here for the next hour to answer your questions on how to be an non-domestic goddess.

Sarah: Help Deborah, I've shrunk all my partner's clothes, what should I do?

Deborah: You now need to find a very small man. I think you can get one from your local Spar shop. Sometimes, they are on special offer and you can get two for the price of one. At no point confess as to what you have done. This will be a mistake.

Deborah: It is perfectly alright to lie in circumstances like this. Put all the shrunk clothes aside, then throw away when he is not looking. Burying them in the garden will work, too.

Fan: Does the domestic goddess ever have a good clean up sometimes? Does she roll her sleeves up and get her hands dirty?

Deborah: I don't clean up as such, but if I'm expecting company, I will wipe the lipstick off the fruit carton. As I see it, why keep up with the Jones's when you can drag them down to your level. Deborah: Sometimes, I will have a go, but it rarely amounts to more than shifting piles of stuff from one place to another. I have rather given up on this front now.

Kate: What can I do about the mould growing in my bathroom, without actually having to touch it?

Deborah: There are few problems that can't be solved by throwing money at them. You need to get a person in. Look for 'Mould Removal' in Yellow Pages. Do not touch the mould yourself, as that would be horrid. Alternatively, you could just live with it and pass it off as something else. A new design from Dolphin, say.

KateG: Yesterday morning before breakfast I asked my daughter to move her clean clothes upstairs, she looked at me and said "What is wrong with you, you psycho grandma b****?" What should I say to that?

Deborah: Teenagers are horrible until they want something from you, in which case they are nice for a bit. Whatever you do you will somehow ruin their lives, as in 'ruin my life, why don't you?'

Deborah: There is no alternative, really, to just getting through this. Unless, that is, you wish to tell her how she has ruined your life. You gave birth! How much fun was that? Incinerating the clothes might be taking it too far, but what the hell, no?

LM: How can I get away without ever having to do any washing up ever, acrylic nails are very expensive?

Deborah: I know what you mean. Here is a good idea. If you have a spouse, why not send him to one of the NDG courses especially for men. The introductory course is Introduction To Household Tasks I: The Washing up. Once he has completed this, he can move onto Introduction to Household Tasks II: The J Cloth (and how it works).

Deborah: Your nails sound good. Will you scratch my back one day?

For: Short of upgrading my partner for a different model, is there any easy way to introduce him to the novelty of housework?

Deborah: Please see above, but there are many other courses, too. There is even Introdction to Houswork III: The Mop (quite advanced, as you have to swish it in all directions). There is also Bathroom Etiquette I: Hey, Let's Wash These Towels! And Bathroom Etiquette II: Hey, Let's Remove These Beard Clippings From The Sink! Please sign up without delay as these courses are very popular.

Jaz: How can I ship him indoors out, so that I can enjoy a night by myself with my best friend Blossom Hill?

Deborah: I know Blossom Hill. I like her. She is fun. She has a sister who is nice, too. Her name is Jacob's Creek. Is it because you don't want to share these friends with your husband? If this is the case, say you will be talking about 'women's things' and maybe even 'period pains'. In my experience, nothing gets a man out of the house quicker.

Helen: The old headache excuse isn't working, any suggestions Deborah?

Deborah: Well, the first thing is to go to bed on an argument (if only so you can resume hostilities first thing without wasting any valuable time). But on top of that, why not try going to bed on an argument while wearing a very greasy face cream, a bath cap and, perhaps, a small joke moustache. This always works for me. I haven't had to have sex for years now. It's great!

Zoe: The cold season is here. How can I avoid catching anything from my little bug bags?

Deborah: There is only one thing for it. Put the bug bags on the back step. Bring them in again in the Spring. You may feed and water them out there, but it isn't essential. Hope this helps!

Kim: When we both know I'm wrong, how can I wriggle out of trouble?

Deborah: Are you talking about your fella? If so, the following is always good advice: start talking about 'women's troubles!' No, seriously, sometimes you do have to back down, or at least pretend to do so before exclaiming: 'Hey, only joking!' We're women so we are always right, anyway.

Deborah: If you really want to humour him, when he goes to the bathroom wrapped only in a towel, and flashes at you with a 'woo-hoo!', as all blokes do, laugh as if for the very first time. They always like that.

Jodyanne: My seven year old son keeps nagging about the unfairness of my owning so many more pairs of shoes that him. What shall I do?

Deborah: Shoes. Shoes are lovely. When I die, I know I'll be thinking on my deathbed: 'I wish I had bought more shoes.' As for your seven year old, it is very important that you lie your way out of it. Try: 'Darling, the reason I have more shoes than you is because I actually have 24 feet, but keep 22 in the cupboard.' So as not to frighten him, say you can't show him the feet because they are shy, and also smell quite cheesy. This should do it, Jodyanne.

Margaret: It's all about me. How can I make him realise that?

Deborah: I know where you are coming from. Doesn't he know that if you do listen to his needs, you'll only ignore them. Hasn't he worked this out by now? Just how bright is he? Hasn't he also worked out that although you'll say you'll put aside time to talk to him, you won't really, because it clashes with the all new ER starting tonight? If all else fails, just say: 'I love you very much darling, but you must get over yourself. Now, lets talk about me. OK?'

Liz: How can I fill the void that Richard & Judy will leave in my life?

Deborah: Don't you like Paul O'Grady? I do. I like his little dog, particularly. There is also Alan Titchmarsh, who has a unique interviewing style: 'Hey, Kylie, lovely dress!' I'm not sure about Loose Women. They've all been round the block a bit and should really know better. I will miss Richard and Judy, too. I will miss Richard most because I love the way he makes his own hair look like a toupee. This is a special gift.

Admin: Time for one last question.

TM: How can I stop the washing machine monster from eating up any more socks?

Deborah: What you have to do is buy my book (Always Go To Bed On An Argument) and hit the machine with it. This book is very good, even if I say so myself, and is available from all good bookshops as well as those that aren't so good.

Admin: Thanks Deborah for joining us. Sorry for the technical difficulty earlier.

Deborah: Thanks very much everybody. They say they are sorry about the technical difficulties, but I'm not that sure. I've seen people looking a lot, lot sorrier in my time.

Deborah's new book, 'Always Go to Bed on an Argument', is published by Profile Books, £9.99.

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