I’m fascinated by fashion — but not by the clothes

On message: Amanda Holden and Denise Van Outen at Vivienne Westwood
12 April 2012

No matter how indifferent you are to fashion, fashion will find a way of being still more indifferent to you. So I concluded as I walked around the Royal Courts of Justice half an hour before the Vivienne Westwood Red Label show began on Sunday.

The Gothic hall echoed with anticipation. Westwood-designed water bottles stood on each seat. I was invisible to everyone but the stewards, who kept asking me to sit down.

What was I doing here, tip-toeing past Naomi Campbell in my Oxfam shoes? I hoped to test my general disapproval for the fashion world — but did I secretly seek its approval? Was London Fashion Week messing with my head?

Somewhere between Brüno and The September Issue, the rise of Primark and the death of Alexander McQueen, high fashion has edged much closer to the mainstream.

Amateur bloggers are making up around a third of the audiences at this year's London Fashion Week. Politicians' wives find it helps their image to be seen in the front row — provided they follow their appearance with the endorsement of an affordable high street brand. The question of austerity or aspiration is as vexed in fashion as it is in politics.

But as the guests gathered (and slid the Westwood water bottles into their handbags), I found my interest didn't really centre on clothes at all but on the question of why a particular style should feel right at any given moment. "Fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live," said Coco Chanel? Could this be the most mystical art there is?

I took my place in Row 4, next to a fashion blogger. An eyebrowless man appeared to be wearing his jacket back to front; another person of indeterminate gender seemed to be dressed as a Thundercat; Lily Allen took her seat and a group of cameramen surrounded her, looking as if they were kicking her to death. "It's my first fashion show — what should I look out for?" I asked the blogger. Beige, she said.

The music started. For the autumn season, Westwood favours a sort of rag- doll look of neon pink tartan, massive clown pockets, plaid nappies, a bit of beige, hoodies made out of glitterballs and T-shirts with slogans about Haiti on them (surely most people will have forgotten about that by then?). The models — stroppy horses — looked like they'd just been punched. The whole thing was most entertaining, over in a flash.

After the show, Westwood complained about consumerism. "I just tell people, stop buying clothes," she said. Which is funny, as she is reportedly about to open 20 new shops in China.

But it's an odd line that fashion walks. Separating the vanity from the beauty, the art from the commerce, the dumb from the super-smart, is impossible. I did leave with a new respect for its soothsaying powers, however. Come autumn, I look forward to feeling like a beaten-up rag doll.

This is bullying Bullingdon Club style

Just as Gordon Brown is accused of leading a "Monster Raving Gloomy Party", along comes Ian Clement, former deputy mayor of London, to throw some light on Boris Johnson's comportment at work.

Apparently, Johnson found it risible that David Cameron should call himself "Dave" and made a point of calling him Dave at all times while rolling his eyes.

Moreover, when Cameron phoned to complain about Johnson's estuary airport idea, according to Clement, "Boris calmly held the phone away from his ear and raised his eyebrows. He put the phone back to his ear and said Yah, Dave, yah' before holding it away again. Cameron was obviously furious."

I'm not surprised! That's far meaner than simply shouting at someone. You can just imagine it stretching all the way back to the Bullingdon Club, too. Poor Dave.

Keep eating meat, it makes no green difference

In his new book, Eating Animals, American author Jonathan Safran Foer reports from factory farms in the US where 35 million cows, 150 million pigs and nine billion birds are slaughtered in appalling conditions each year.

It's almost enough to turn you vegan. Except the problems he describes are not exclusive to meat-rearing. Industrialised agriculture causes at least as much environmental devastation. Turning vegan remains a lifestyle choice rather than the moral high ground.

YouTube on a Tube

A magnificent sight on the Circle line on Monday. A young man played a mandolin shaped like a pineapple and sang a song while a girl danced around the carriage. A third person filmed them — they were making a pop video.

The cliché is that everyone avoids eye contact on the Tube. But it's striking how willing people are to break through that awkwardness, with a bit of a push. After a couple of stops, everyone was smiling at one another. No one seemed to mind that the trio were contravening the laws forbidding filming on the Tube.

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