Society Salon Dowager: Elton John

An eclectic combination of media players, fashion designers and all-round social powerhouses, Elton's salon regulars include Janet Street-Porter, Tim Jefferies, Liz Hurley and Patrick Cox. Oh, and Elton's partner David Furnish, naturally.

Newcomers should prepare clever and subtly flattering (but never sycophantically so) observations regarding Elton's latest look, Elton's newest purchases, Elton's conversation etc.

To increase your chances of infiltrating Elton's salon, you should... Give generously and in a high-profile manner to one of Elton's fave charities, thus marking yourself out as both extravagantly rich and extraordinarily generous. A perma-orange skin tone will also do your chances no harm.