The best clubs to go to this Christmas

So let’s party. But where? Simple, friends. Let’s start central: at Idris Elba’s new cocktail bar at the Waldorf Hotel. If it’s good enough for drinking buddies Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson, then it’s good enough for your 60-strong party.

In need of a fabulous Grade II-listed Georgian party venue in Clerkenwell? Newly renovated Sessions House has six spaces available, from the gorgeous Dream on Dreamer (16 people) to Go Big with room for 60.

But perhaps you fancy — whisper it — a boat? At The Boathouse, moored in Paddington’s Floating Pocket Park, up to 20 of you can hunker down for a fabulously cosy booze cruise.

Way out in wild west London, there’s Laylow, the Bella Freud-designed super swank members’ club, with basement den and party apartment upstairs, hosting 20 people for a terribly naughty sit down supper.

In this era of iPad guestlists, ‘She definitely put me down’ just isn’t going to cut it. Time to upgrade your gatecrashing game.

Few main entrance tribes are as easily bought off as these guys. Wait around the corner while your friend slips a couple of them a fiver to unleash a hail of flashbulbs while screaming your name. Their rivals will be terrified they’re missing the overnight sensation and follow suit.

Saying you ‘know the owner’ isn’t going to happen. But a couple of steps removed? Different story. It won’t take long to google who the owner of the gaff is, then go on his social media, find out who his besties are, then drop their name. His staff will be too terrified to turn you away.

Check your coat in at an empty dive two doors down. Approach the door of the party shivering. Smile at the bouncer and say, ‘God, I really need to quit smoking…’