Boyfriend slept with another girl on holiday. Should I forgive him?

Our sexperts: Nirpal Dhaliwal and Esther Walker
Esther says...

In these murky days of moral relativism the lines of what is and isn't "cheating" have become blurred.

There are people - usually women - who say that they would rather their partner was briefly, physically unfaithful than they had a long, emotional affair.

But this is only because they suspect that their boyfriend will sleep with someone else anyway, and are making room for this kind of indiscretion.

As long as their man was drunk, and he's sorry, and it didn't "mean anything", making this distinction is easier than taking a harder line, because then when the boyfriend does stray, they have to split up and that's all such a hassle.

Men, you will notice, don't think like this. If you betray a man physically, you betray him completely.

"Didn't mean anything" doesn't wash with them. And do you know why? Because it's something they themselves say to girls and know full well that it's an enormous lie; it all "means" something - if only that it "means" that they are OK with humiliating you.

You may have seen women like Victoria Beckham and Cheryl Cole stand by their husbands despite brief infidelities and look brave and noble and glamorous.

But that's because they're married and, in Victoria Beckham's case, they've got children.

I'll bet you a million pounds that had David or Ashley been a mere boyfriend, they would have been dumped instantly.

Being faithful to someone is what being in a relationship is about. If you're not, then you may as well stay single.

So, sure, forgive him if you like: but my advice is ditch him first.

Nirpal says...

At such times we consult our partner's balance sheet, add up the credits and debits and make a cold assessment about our futures. Like Janet Jackson, we ask: "What have you done for me lately?"

Morals and ideals play no part in the ruthless accounting procedure, otherwise known as "love", that underpins all human relationships.

If your boyfriend is beautiful, brilliant and witty, and knows how make your ears pop in the sack, you will find it easy to forgive a genuinely regretted mistake. And you probably will when he does it again. And again.

If he's fat and boring, and has a mechanical sexual technique akin to assembling Ikea furniture, then you have an excellent opportunity to dump him with no drama or loose ends whatsoever.

But a woman whose partner is somewhere in the middle of this spectrum should appreciate the utility of his infidelity.

Catching him cheating provides a unique chance to vent her inner shrew and mend his inadequacies through constant doses of blame and recrimination.

For instance, his forgetful attitude to taking out the trash can be cured by merely screaming: "I bet you took HER rubbish out on time. The BITCH!"

A similar line can be used to improve everything from his personal hygiene and cooking skills to his provision of oral sex.

Indeed, infidelity can turn a man into a blank depersonalised slate, upon which you can scrawl whatever you like.

There are few occasions in a relationship when you hold all the cards. This is one. Use it wisely.

Send your relationship dilemmas to es.sex@standard.co.uk

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