Too sexy for my shorts

Testing the water: three pairs of shorts from £120, by Olebar Brown (olebarbrown.co.uk)
10 April 2012

HERE comes the summer and, swift upon it, the beachwear conundrum.Only for most men, is it really such a conundrum? Should you be in possession of all your senses, the shorts vs trunks debate is easily solved, trunks best left to the kind of man who reads Men's Health.

As far as shorts are concerned, some modesty in the thigh area is desirable and the rest is pretty buskable. Most non-fluorescent colours will do. Some stripes, or little palm trees, or meaningless numbers as though you are part of a pretend water-polo team are OK too. So long as they don't slip off when you dive in.

I daresay most of us, in our approach to shorts as to so many things, take after Alan Partridge, who sported a pair so old the inner lining had "perished". When I brought up the subject with my friend Seb, he revealed he had worn the same pair since 1999. The same swimming shorts for 11 years, I marvelled? No, the same shorts for 11 years, the one pair meeting all his racket sports/frisbeeing/jogging needs.

Girls, I'm afraid this is the basic male approach to clothes.

Only the joke is on us men this summer, for the wasp that is high fashion has come to rest on the Cornetto of our indifference. Orlebar Brown, a British company that styles itself the Louis Vuitton of male swimwear, is brandishing a "tailored" 40 per cent cotton, 60 per cent polyester short that has caught the imagination like no item since Borat's mankini.

Despite retailing at the cost of an entire summer wardrobe (£120!), these shorts are flying off the shelves at Selfridges. I am told that in the Maldives the self-respecting male countenances no other.

But how would they go down at Clissold Leisure Centre? How would they go up proved the more immediate concern, though, the inner mesh being rather tight.

And yet, strangely satisfying, once I had zipped myself in (no elasticated waistband here). A sleek seal was I, as I pimped around the pool - my buttocks two special little eggs in two silver eggcups. It is as well to feel confident when wearing Baywatch red, the signature colour.

The verdict? Well, on the one hand, no fewer than three women offered me sex right there. On the other hand, they didn't really. As for the actual swimming, I felt a little weighted down by the fabric as I did my eight and a half lengths. Bit of a struggle, actually - and I was, like anyone who invests a three-figure sum in swimming shorts, trying awfully hard.

But I fear these little puppies were wasted on the public baths of N16.

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