Laura Craik on Christmas craziness, spread wars and coffee politics

“If you haven’t ’grammed yourself in an igloo this month, you’re nobody”
Laura Craik7 December 2017

In the run-up to Christmas, it’s not so much about what you eat as where you eat it.

One crispy sprout top tastes as good as another, while all the adjectives in the world won’t make a roast barn-reared Cornish rock chicken taste sublime if your table’s too small or the lighting is s***. Fling in a view, a fire pit or an ice rink and it’s all worthwhile. Or at least #worthInstagramming.

The problem is that you have to be quick. In this town, what’s cutting-edge can become mainstream by the time you’ve uploaded your Story. Take this year’s splendid Claridge’s Christmas tree. Brilliant idea of Karl Lagerfeld and his team to invert it, like some festive interpretation of Stranger Things’

The Upside Down. Poor Karl wasn’t to know that a nanosecond later, Target would be selling its own upside down trees for $1,000 (Argos also has a version, for £189.99: perfect for bijou London flatshares, yes, but where does the angel go?).

Laura Craik

There was me feeling smug for selling a limb in exchange for dinner in a log cabin at Gordon Ramsay’s York & Albany, when all of a sudden, the igloos appear. They’re taking your rustic tartan-blanketed charm and raising you a transparent, thermostatically controlled dome with panoramic rooftop vistas.

If you haven’t ’grammed yourself in an igloo this month, you’re nobody. Tower Bridge’s Coppa Club, Stratford’s Roof East and The Sipping Room at West India Quay are but three.

What with all the Magic Roundabouts, South Pole Saloons, Winter Forests and Naked Ice Rink Sauna Glühwein Fondue Clubs doing the rounds this season (yes, these are all actual Things*), call me retro, but I’m kind of fancying dinner in a good, old-fashioned pub. Next Thursday, I’ll be eating an adjective-free steak-and-oyster pudding at the Marksman. It won’t be on Instagram, but boy will it be tasty.

*Apart from the last one, duh. At least, not yet.

Spread it on thick

When it comes to novelty spreads, I like to think I’m fairly up to speed. In fact, they’re my specialist subject. No house guest ever leaves the kitchen without being 10 pounds heavier and having acquainted themselves with a new one (‘this Biscoff is addictive,’ one recent convert opined, though I still can’t believe he’d never heard of Biscoff). So I was miffed to find that Gwyneth Paltrow (below) has the edge on me, for I will concede to her the monopoly on vaginal steamer knowledge, but not on spreads. Yet there she is, casually posting a pic of Pesek Zman online, while Chris Martin and Brad Falchuk look on, grinning at the breakfast table dressed in co-ordinating grey marl (bottom left). Apparently it’s an Israeli version of Nutella, completely unavailable in the UK. If anyone can recommend a more obscure and delicious spread than this, hit me up, for Christmas isn’t Christmas without one. *Googles, adds jar of Nudossi to basket*

Hot and cold

December is a big month for the coffee control freak. She’s tired, she’s hungover, but goddammit she wants her coffee done right. ‘Extra hot latte,’ she’ll say, with a glower and an emphasis on the ‘extra’. Lady. It’s freezing outside. Do you think there’s anyone in this infernal queue who doesn’t want their coffee extra hot? Why bother even saying it? This morning, I asked my barista (not my personal barista, alas, though this is a life goal) to confirm whether ‘extra hot’ requests were pointless. ‘Not at all,’ he replied. ‘Some people actually ask for tepid coffees, because they’re in a rush and want to down them.’ Mind. Blown. When you’re sooo busy that you can’t even wait for your coffee to cool down, it’s time to make some serious life changes.

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