Have you ever had sex in the office? The person opposite you probably has...

Yes, it’s all about sex on desks in the capital’s workplaces.  But there are some hard and fast rules to brief encounters in the boardroom, says Phoebe Luckhurst

There are plenty of hotspots for hanky-panky. Obviously, there’s bedroom banging, but others prefer shower sexcapades, taking things al fresco, or getting cosy in a cupboard. At festivals, tent poles are dislodged and furtive festi-shaggers are exposed, and everyone has one story about walking in on their housemate getting it on on the living-room floor. Stairs are surprisingly popular, although best left to those with faultless balance.

But following the rather gruesome revelation that Max Clifford had “occasional, spontaneous” shags in his office, it’s workplace slap-and-tickle that’s under the spotlight. Flirting by the printer is entry-level stuff — unless your leg is thrashing against the paper tray and he’s trying not to scan an up-skirt shot of the dangerous liaison to your boss’s email, then your work-life balance is woefully out of kilter. Time to put in some more face-on-face time — seems like everyone’s doing it.

Boy X got it on with an actor in the loos at the theatre where he worked. He doesn’t think anyone noticed, unlike the time he hooked up with another actor after the run of his one-man Edinburgh festival show had ended.

“There was a party and we realised that we might not see each other again and we were both in shared rooms so couldn’t go back together. We just began trying random doors looking for an empty room. Eventually, we broke in through a secret entrance to the next-door pub and had sex on the bar. Lots of people found out.”

Another couple had been very successfully concealing their office romance, and furtive liaisons added to the fun — though they had to be inventive with the hook-up locations. Their tryst was ultimately uncovered because they were shagging up against the mirror in the loos, creating sexy condensation. As one co-worker commented, it turns out that Titanic scene isn’t all nonsense after all. At an advertising agency the popular shag space used to be the spraymount room.

One journalist recalls that when she worked for a newspaper group, an editor of a local paper “used to regularly be ‘seen to’ in our grimy, rank kitchen by a reporter on her paper. We were all unaware until one drunken night in the local she confessed all. Suffice to say, no one fancied making coffee after that revelation.”

It might leave a bad taste in the mouth but a 2013 survey by career site Glassdoor states that one in 10 have done it in the office, one in five have thought about it and 41 per cent of people think their colleagues have done it. Some 51 per cent of employees and job-seekers polled think it’s OK to be involved with a co-worker, and 18 per cent admitted to fancying at least one colleague — but 54 per cent say office romances end in awkwardness.

It’s easier for the flexibly employed — one make-up artist hooked up with a digital operator on a shoot. They got it on in the loos, which meant that as soon as it (the shoot) was over they didn’t have to spend any time together acknowledging it (the sex).

A colleague’s friend didn’t have it so lucky. “My friend, who would like to remain anonymous, used to work in a bookie’s where she’d slept with one of the area managers on a night out before. One night when he was visiting there and she was working alone, he helped her lock up and they did it. She said it was exciting but she wouldn’t do it again.”

“People fall for people at work because we’re attracted to people we see on a regular basis,” explains psychologist Emma Kenny. “When you first arrive in a new environment, you might think that there’s no one you’re attracted to but people like to build attraction into their lives and make work more interesting. With sex, it’s the very fact that you can add risk to that equation: you might get caught, you might get sacked, you know that it’s really very, very naughty. That adds to the whole experience. In lustful circumstances, the higher the risk, the more intoxicating and sexually fulfilling it is. It’s a heady mix that leads to a more interesting sexual experience — you’re putting a fantasy into play.”

It certainly adds piquancy to the normally humdrum. Even your desk — usually a site reserved for melancholic contemplation, anguish and, on occasion, work — looks different in the light of your sexcapades. Having to keep it secret adds to the fun. And workplace flirtations are different if you’re also getting it on after (or during) hours: no one wants to be Tim and Dawn tiptoeing around their attraction when they could be Daniel Cleaver and Bridget Jones.

One girl used to sext with a guy who worked at a newspaper: he sent her naked pictures and masturbating videos from the loo. It’s certainly more interesting than an email from accounts identifying an issue with your tax code, or the deeply unamusing chain email that just won’t die.

If doing it on the desk is a little too close to home (you’ve got a pic of your mum on the desktop), then select a more isolated spot.

One girl used to enjoy trysts with a (married but not to her) man on an abandoned floor a few above her offices. It wasn’t comfortable but office sex isn’t about scented candles and mood lighting, it’s about getting fast and furious on someone you shouldn’t, somewhere you shouldn’t.

“Afterwards, you’ll feel horribly guilty, of course,” concedes Kenny. “But human beings store up experience and people like to add to a repertoire of memories that they can think back on. It makes work more interesting.”

Your bedroom is vanilla but the boardroom’s red hot, so don’t take work home with you — pin it down in the office instead.

AL DESKO SEX: THE DOS AND DON'TS

DO

Choose your mate carefully — it’s definitely better to mix with equals than rut your way up or down the ladder. It’s hard to countenance a professional dressing down from someone who literally dressed you down about half an hour previously.

DON’T

Pick somewhere you’re likely to get caught —unless you get off on that.

DON’T

Tell the rest of the office. However much you might think it makes you seem mad, bad and dangerous to know, it’s more likely your colleagues will lose respect for you (especially if you’re the boss).

DON’T

Start getting it on outside the office, or if you’re in a relationship. The point of the office fling is that it only works in the office — outside, the magic breaks.

DO

Pick your moment. Long lunches and late nights working alone together are improved hugely with a little slap and tickle.

DON’T

Cheat on your partner with your colleague — it adds a level of complexity that is not conducive to the fun fling.

DON’T

Do it on a colleague’s desk. Imagine how you’d feel if it was your desk.

DO

Do it on your workplace enemy’s desk. Imagine how you’d feel. Then you’ll enjoy it all the more.

DO

Keep things straightforward. This isn’t the time to get the Kama Sutra on the go. Stick to the basics and do it quickly.

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