How to survive the cold snap

From tactical taxis to hacking your commute, and preventing central heating politics from ruining your relationship — this is your guide to weathering winter
On thin ice: this year’s skating rink at Somerset House
Jeremy Selwyn

A selective memory can render the quotidian extraordinary. For example, every year humans — specifically British humans — muster fresh, wide-eyed wonder at the predictable passing of the seasons. We marvel as nights darken, as though we did not live through the preceding 28 years when it also got dark at 3.30pm. As the frost bites, we are frenzied; as winds chill, our jaws swing.

But, while moon-eyed wonderment is joyous — it’s the little things — know that it does not last. The heatwave’s moment in the sun was — ironically — short-lived: when the backlash came it was fiery. And soon, you will see. You will weary of your box-fresh £129 coat from & Other Stories, you will come to despise your mittens. And you will get bored of having the same old conversations, again and again, until spring.

But for now, it is cold and your mind is blown — for the drop was swift, and it is merciless. Scandinavia kindly exports its greatest hits — noir TV, Alexander Skarsgård — but it is also free with its weather. According to meteorologists, the sudden, bitter chill is down to winds swinging in from the east. This week it has hovered around 3C and while the weekend might edge back up to around 10C, temperatures are promising to drop again by Monday.

In other words, this is it until early March. So batten down the hatches and get into your Uniqlo heattech: this is your cold snap survival guide.

Jeremy Selwyn

Morning has broken

Unless yours is a singularly awful day, getting out of bed is likely to be its worst moment. There is succour in this — things can only get better; you are, by definition, on an upward path from the get-go. But at the same time, bracing yourself to place the sole of your foot on the threadbare carpet — is that frost? Inside? — is excruciating.

The only way to do it is to perform mind games on yourself. For example, try setting four alarms to erupt simultaneously, and positioning them on the opposite side of the room; even you, an inveterate lay-a-bed, will not be able to continue sleeping through the cacophony. Plus your partner, who gets up two hours after you, will have you excommunicated permanently if you don’t get up and cease the infernal drilling.

Another trick/act of self-sabotage is to go to sleep wearing two jumpers and a pair of woollen bed socks, then set the heating to switch on in earnest at around 4.30am. By the time your four alarms go off at 6am, you will be boiling alive; the chill will be sweet respite. Alternatively, practice self-care — it’s trendy! — and reward yourself for leaving bed by getting an Uber to work.

Jeremy Selwyn

Commuter chill

Granted, getting the aforementioned Uber to work is also profligate and embarrassing, as the likelihood of a colleague catching you exiting one outside the building is high. You could pretend you’d had a big one the night before — “Hi mate! Few too many last night!” — but this creates a more serious risk, that someone will take you aside mid-morning and ask you if you’d like to “check in” on anything.

On the other hand, asking the driver to drop you round the corner like you used to ask your mum to do en route to a house party in the mid-noughties, means you’ll still arrive at the office cold, so you might as well have not spent £20.44 getting there.

Public transport it is: be ruthless. On every bus, there are hot seats — literally those positioned over the engine at the back — and cold seats, ie: those near the doors. Sit in one of the latter and you will grow disproportionately furious as the journey progresses — the trick is to use your wiles (elbows). Same applies to Tube lines that meander above ground. If you have a bag, use it to create space in your path while you move towards a good seat; large, purposeful strides can be used to the same ends.

The heat is on (or off)

The most iron-clad relationships can be imperilled by divergent approaches to central heating. At work, where normal interactions are often laced with a subtext — or simply overtones — of aggression, the question has the potential to drive a company to civil war.

If your office stars one of those people who comes in 15 minutes early to set the thermostat, you have the collective pity. Machiavellians — engineer an office move on spurious grounds in order to position an ally near the dial, putting you simultaneously in control of the temperature, and in a position of plausible deniability if the mark twigs what’s going on.

If you’re not a sociopath, wear layers: either a jumper (for winter? Groundbreaking), or — if the heating is zealous — a good T-shirt that when exposed, will not bring shame upon your family.

App power plays

Once you used to have real conversations, now there is only smugness about whose weather app predicted the five-minute hyper-local hail shower that just stopped (“Accuweather wins!” someone roars from the break-out zone).

For clarification; the iPhone weather app is useless, BBC weather has its moments, and Accuweather is potent. Though for real status, you need Yr, created by the Norwegian Meteorological Society, who are not messing around.

Alamy Stock Photo

Weekend warriors

Clearly, you have no desire to go outside until the spring equinox; but life has other plans. The festive juggernaut is poised, and soon you’ll be going to Soho for 40 minutes to see one friend, before sprinting to Brixton to see another for quarter of an hour. New Year’s resolution — alienate more friends.

Anyway, surviving socialising during the cold snap is a combination of Blitz spirit and wearing tights under your trousers. Try to limit plans to things you want to do — easier said than done — and if you’re going to flake, have inventive excuses ready (“I’m sorry, I’m too weary of my mittens to go out.”)

Advantage — everyone’s brains are so that social interaction is not challenging. The plight of Attenborough’s penguins will buy you at least 15 minutes. If in doubt, the weather will do.

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