It’s official: the Pontiff really has got his finger on the pulse

9.25am: Isx thisz right? Sorry, uszed to writing lponghand. In german. Or Lat6in. First real twet to floololow.

9.54am: Brothers and sisters welcome to my personal twitter feed in the name of @thefather @theson and @theholyghost coming to you live from the Vat

9.55am: …live from the Vatican. Communicating doctrine in 140 characters almost as tough as creating world in 6 days!

10.00am: Comms head Fr Celli suggested I start with a joke. It’s not all sin, guilt and self-flagellation in the modern Catholic Church.

10.05am: @spellchecker Yes, have now got Cardinal Koch to compose my tweets as my fingers a bit arthritic for iPhone

10.07am: @stevejobsinheaven No, that wasn’t a formal endorsement. The Roman Church is above such matters.

11.00am: I am ready to offer spiritual and moral guidance. DM me if it’s something really serious or disgusting.

11.02am: @doubtingthomas No, I am only infallible in matters of doctrine, faith and morality. You can totally challenge my spelling in Scrabble.

11.05am: @doubtingthomas No, only God is omniscient, though I concede @stephenfry makes a pretty good fist of it.

11.20am: @Jackthelad It is not a mortal sin but God frowns upon it and you may go blind.

12.55pm: Time for a simple repast. In the meantime, let’s get #jesuschrist trending.

3.00pm: #jesuschrist STILL not trending despite my exhortation to all good and faithful believers.

3.02pm: …meanwhile, #imaceleb,

#K-Patz and #johnlewisadvertmademe cry are ALL trending!

3.20pm: @apostate Regarding the so-called “vatileaks”, it has been established that the butler did it.

3.21pm: @apostate I am not prepared to discuss the “issue” of women priests.

3.25pm: @apostate. Or THAT issue either. I am blocking/excommunicating you.

5.12pm: Traditionalist Anglicans. Come on over to our church, the (holy) water’s lovely!

5.23pm: Homosexuals — just stop it.

5.35pm: Good Catholics — practise sexual abstinence. It’s really not that bad.

6.20pm: Hey

@davidpetraeus, if you’ve got to sin, at least be original!

8.00pm: URGENT MESSAGE TO THE FAITHFUL! Last message was not an official Papal Tweet. Posted by an altar boy from Papal iPhone.

8.30pm Ha ha RT: “Hey, Holy Father, is it true you have 1.2bn followers but you only follow Him Upstairs?”

9.00pm: A prayer before sleep from Saint Alphonsus Liguori: http://www.catholicity.com/prayer/prayer-before-sleep.html

10.00pm: A good night to all who believe in God and who hold love in their hearts.