My man is great in bed but so dull I can't introduce him to my friends. Does this matter?

Revenge of the nerds: quiet ones may not be the life and soul of the party but they can still turn you on
Esther Walker says...

I'm curious — if he's such a bore then how did you end up finding out that he was so great in bed in the first place?

Will you really just stumble home with pretty much anyone if you've thrown back enough chardonnay? That's a problem for a different time, perhaps, but my point is that you must have seen something in his personality that you liked well enough to have him in your bed.

So why do you assume that your friends will snigger at him — or at you behind your back for your choice of mate? Is it because that's what you would do to someone who showed up with your boyfriend in tow? You probably wouldn't, yet you're assuming that your friends, the people who are supposed to have your best interests at heart, would be so judgmental. It sounds to me like you're insecure and lacking confidence in yourself and therefore in your friends and your choices.

Do you feel like your boyfriend must surely be less exciting and interesting than other people, simply because he has chosen to be with you? The more confidence and pride you pretend to have in your boyfriend — as a person and also as a reflection of you (because you chose him) — the more confidence and pride you really will have.

It doesn't matter what your boyfriend is like, as long as you like him and as long as he's nice to you. The only thing your friends will be scrutinising your relationship for is happiness, and they will be looking to you for that.

If you look relaxed and proud, they will give the relationship a tick and an "A+" and move on with their lives. If you look awkward or embarrassed or snap at him in public, they will give each other secret looks and spend the next fortnight on the phone to each other in grave voices, saying "I don't think it's going to last."

Even if they do fleetingly think he's a bit vacant, they will always defer to the relationship if it is making you content. Frankly, they'll probably be relieved that he is only dull and not a raging snob, violent, rude, contagious or racist. When a friend chooses a boyfriend who is merely boring it is always, I find, a great relief.

Nirpal Dhaliwal says...

What are you, an idiot? Why are you even considering, let alone fretting, about what your friends' response to your boyfriend will be? The most tedious and unattractive feature of today's Sex and the City generation of women is their need for peer-approval for every aspect of their lives.

Many women think it's a modern act of female solidarity to have a brunch-time vetting of one another's shoes, hairstyles and choice of partners. It is, in fact, the desperately neurotic behaviour of those who can only make decisions by consensus. I sometimes think even the most backward arranged marriage, in which your family exchanges your hand for a few goats and a car battery, looks like a radical act of emancipation compared to the group-dictated relationships that predominate in London today.

As a woman, you should be deeply suspicious of your friends' opinions — especially on sexual matters. The pathological envy and competitive streak that exists among many modern women means other than in slam-dunk cases of domestic abuse and infidelity, your friends' advice might equally be shaped by resentment and jealousy as any wish to see you happy — a response you seem to have already anticipated. And since when has dullness become so objectionable to women? At least you have found yourself a man who knows how to turn you on, which is more than most chaps will do for you.

Your man might be dull but the fact that he knows how to rock your world shows that he understands you on a deeper animal level than most men will. You should explore, enjoy and develop the connection you have with him — you might create something magical. By worrying about what friends think, you risk ruining your chances of happiness — as well as proving yourself to be a fool.

It's a sad fact that many women still feel ashamed at admitting that they're with a man just because he knows how to get them off. But sex is a fundamental human need, the importance of which is only appreciated when it goes unsatisfied. When you find yourself in a relationship with a brilliant raconteur who's hopeless in the sack, you will find yourself bitterly regretting the day you let your boring stud get away.

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