Luton Hoo, Bedfordshire - hotel review

Home and away... a hotel Christmas getaway
1/3
Tim Lott5 December 2012

At the age of 55, I had never had a Christmas away from one or other family home. Last year, determined to try something different, I booked myself, my wife and my two youngest children into a grand hotel, the five-star Luton Hoo in Bedfordshire.

Christmas, in my experience, is a time of gluttony, greed and family tension, interspersed with moments of as-advertised bonhomie and peace unexpectedly breaking out. I thought that by removing ourselves from the wider family environment entirely, we were in with a chance of getting something more like the depiction shown on Christmas cards and ads.

Luton Hoo has 18th-century origins but most was wrought into its present Belle Epoque style early in the last century by the Wernher family. It was sold as a hotel in 1999. Its grounds, designed by Capability Brown and now incorporating a golf course, stretch over 1,000 acres. At their apex is a venue that is reminiscent of nothing so much as Downton Abbey in its scale and grandeur.

We were greeted early afternoon on Christmas Eve with the mandatory crackling long fire and a glass of champagne, before being shown to our room through the pillared halls and wood-panelled corridors. The room was spacious and comfortable, decorated in chintzy but attractive country-house fashion, with one room for us and an adjoining one for the kids. The views over the grounds through the small windows were restful and beckoning — one longed to see them glazed with snow.

Classic London black cabs prowl the grounds to ferry guests, although the most popular journey seems to be from the main house to the spa, which is only a five-minute walk away. But the cabs are such fun that the children insisted on taking them at every opportunity.

At around three o’clock, it was time to get down to start eating — and drinking. There was a whisky tasting which I got stuck into before settling into an enormous afternoon tea of cakes and sandwiches. We all polished off about four levels of a tiered cake stand, before Lydia, nine, and Esme, five, headed downstairs to the children’s playroom where they could make their own Christmas cards and slump in front of a giant television to watch Home Alone. That was the last we saw of them for the next couple of hours.

To help digest, I decided to go for a spa treatment. A full body massage ensued, and a loaf in the sauna, before we sauntered back over to the main building for the Christmas quiz in the lounge. This was followed by some rather ropey carol singers who managed to murder one or two standards but made for a seasonal atmosphere all the same.

The children joined us for supper in the grand marbled and chandeliered Wernher restaurant. I felt supremely relaxed. We made our way up to the bedroom and all snuggled up in bed and watched a movie together, something, somehow, we never get round to doing at home. We decided to skip the offer of a late-night coach to Midnight Mass.

Christmas Day dawned early, as it was bound to with two excited kids. While we were distributing and unwrapping the presents, there was a knock on the door and, sure enough, Santa himself stood there bearing excellent goodies — not the crap you usually expect from fake Santas but some expensive smellies for my wife and a good bottle of vintage wine for me. Oh, and some pretty spiffy stuff for the children — a Monopoly Boutique Edition (ie pink for girls) and some Zhuzhu Pets (electronic hamsters, for the uninitiated).

Time for more food. We devoured an extensive breakfast — stacks of pancakes for the kids, kippers for me, a full English for Rachael — while Santa prowled around the staircases, distributing more gifts and being convincingly jolly. The morning we spent at the swimming pool, and by 1 o’clock, my wife and kids were getting read for lunch while I floated alone in the warm water. Needless to say, this was not my normal pre-Christmas lunch ritual.

The traditional lunch itself went on for several hours — my wife enjoying it but insisting that it wasn’t as good as hers (restaurants can never quite get the roasties right). We had to pace ourselves because there was afternoon tea and Christmas supper to face.

On Boxing Day we toured the grounds, tried archery and clay pigeon shooting. Then, thanks to a railway strike, we couldn’t get home. So, tragically, we were forced to spend another night enjoying the hotel’s hospitality. We returned home, collectively about 20lb fatter, 15 of those accounted for by me. We had been filled to the brim — not only with turkey and wine, but authentic Christmas spirit. The only thing I wish is that all my children could have been there.

Luton Hoo Hotel, Golf & Spa, The Mansion House, Luton, Bedfordshire, LU1 3TQ, has a two-night Christmas package from £650pp all-inclusive with selected activities (children under two are free, ages 2-14 cost £50 per night when sharing the parents’ room), lutonhoo.co.uk /elitehotels.co.uk

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