Pockets of plump. That’s what we’re talking about today. Not fatness or weight loss – but pouches and gatherings, lumps and bumps that can’t be exercised away.
This is what liposuction is for; solving the problem of a particular bodily neighbourhood. But lipo involves hospital, aftercare and a certain amount of physical trauma and never less than thousands of pounds.
What about a simpler problem-solver that reduces small bulges with a lunchtime dose of... ice?
This is called Coolsculpting. It’s expensive but not ‘operation’ expensive and it works by destroying fat cells with low temperatures. It takes an hour to administer the freezing suction treatment and about six weeks for any results to show.
My problem was a bra bulge. On the sides of my ribs were patches of flab that meant fitted sweaters and dresses looked just terrible. And they wouldn’t budge. So I popped off to Notting Hill’s Lazeo Clinic where they tuck you in blankets, attach the icy hoover that sucks up the fatty bits and turn on Netflix. Uncomfortable but civilised. Then bruising for a day. Then numbness for a month. Then disappointment for two weeks. Then visible improvement. Really. A much sleeker silhouette. Not slimmer. Less bulgy.
I repeat: this will not make you thin. But a muffin top, an inside-knee dollop, and even – I hear – a double chin? It might be worth investigating, seeing as this column is being written in a tight Bella Freud jumper rather than a big old sack.
Prices start from £650 for an hour, lazeo.co.uk
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