World Cup opening review: Men on stilts, two J-Los and dancers holding canoes aloft

 
Jennifer Lopez: the star performed with singer Claudinha and Pitbull (Picture: Getty)
Alastair McKay13 June 2014

World Cup opening ceremonies are more modest than Olympic one

To prove the point, ITV began its coverage with a dribble through recent highlights, which included the Glasgow police pipe band emerging from a giant ball in Germany, and Diana Ross hitting the worst penalty of all time in the US.

With this in mind, Adrian Chiles and his team of neutrally clothed pundits at first played down their excitement, preferring to whet appetites by letting Ian Wright startle a German surfer on Copacabana beach.

In the studio, Lee Dixon was being outshone by World Cup winners Patrick Vieira and Fabio Cannavaro (a late substitute for Roy Keane in the defensive, monosyllabic role). Dixon was diplomatic in his assessment of Cannavaro’s skills. “He was quite small, jumped like a kangaroo.”

The ceremony was far from the pulsating, sexy Brazil of stereotype. Instead of samba and carnival, the Brazilians decided to take themselves seriously, with a four-act interpretive dance around a giant LED ball on the Arena de Sao Paulo pitch.

“The men on stilts,” noted Clive Tyldesley breathlessly, “there are always men on stilts — are designed to have a weight distribution less than a player, so as not to damage the playing surface.”

The themes were nature, diversity, football, and Jennifer Lopez. There were dancers signifying plants and raindrops, canoes held aloft.

A robotic exoskeleton kicked the first ball — a moment that was rather wasted. Then the LED ball opened and became a stage for Claudinha (the Brazilian J-Lo), J-Lo, and a man called Pitbull, who looked like Frank Butcher in sockless penny loafers.

At being J-Lo, J-Lo was best, though her five-inch heel appeared to get stuck in the cardboard during a bit of bottom-waggling. Pitbull waved his arms like a man trying to sell a Rolex to a passing butterfly.

And that was it, the tournament was open. “Nothing wrong with that,” said Chiles, glumly proceeding to a Twitter vote on whether Sterling or Welbeck should start for England. Let the internationalism begin.

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