The Londoner: Bidets are flush... thanks to the bug

Bidet boom after coronavirus fears | Roddy Doyle wants a united Ireland | Labour cancels leadership event | Bernardine Evaristo encourages young writers to dream big
Bidet's the day: a bidet
Getty Images/iStockphoto
12 March 2020

Bidets haven’t had a look-in since Crocodile Dundee famously declared “some nitwit’s put two dunnies in here” but that could all be changing thanks to coronavirus.

“We have seen a spike of 419 per cent year on year and just short of a 600 per cent rise week on week in sales of bidets at Big Bathroom Shop,” a spokesman for the company told The Londoner, adding: “This has predominantly been on orders from the South of England.”

Toilet paper has been selling out across the country as citizens start to stockpile over fears about the impact of coronavirus. The empty shelves have left some reaching for an alternative — and possibly more hygienic — solution to the supply blockage.

Financier Helena Morrissey recently returned to hers, saying “our current house has a bidet —unused by us for many years —but now...those smart French inventors — very impressive people”.

Author Rose George, who wrote The Big Necessity, a book on human waste, tells The Londoner she “bloody hopes” the bidet’s time has come. “Toilet paper moves s**t but it doesn’t remove it,” she said, adding: “We use water to clean our cars, our windows, our dishes, but not to clean the dirtiest part of our body. It’s baffling.”

George is in good company. A string of famous names have backed bidets, including Kylie Minogue and actor Jake Gyllenhall, who called the ceramic devices “extraordinary”. As for the sticky issue of why bidets have yet to take the UK by storm, George explains “toilet paper manufacturers are very good at marketing their products”. In the pocket of Big Toilet paper? At least it’s not the other way around.

While not all bidet manufacturers contacted by The Londoner had seen an upswing in sales, chronic toilet paper shortages might wipe away buyers’ hang-ups. When it comes to cleanliness, it could be the end of papering over the crack.

Roddy commits to a united front

Doyle United: Roddy Doyle
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Roddy Doyle has changed his mind on a united Ireland. The novelist told a Southbank Centre audience last night that “seven years ago, I would have probably said not really, because it’s grand as it is”.

With the threat of a “real border”, Doyle now backs unification, saying: “Belfast is great — I used to think it was as far away as San Francisco.”

The Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha author isn’t pushing for a referendum but pointed out: “There are plenty of diehard Unionists and Orangemen applying for Irish passports right now.” That’s Paddy power for you.

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Historian Tom Holland’s Authors Cricket Club will play on amid virus fears. “Cricket is not usually a contact sport, so as long as the slips stand far enough apart we should be able to avoid infection,” he says. Captain Charlie Campbell adds that the team has “32 matches this summer — even more than usual — so we’ve been stockpiling cricket!”

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John McDonnell tells ITV the event to announce the new Labour leader, due to be held on April 4, may have to be cancelled and the results made behind closed doors. He says the party will follow medical advice and the NEC could decide. Many are predicting a surprise win for Jeremy Corbyn.

We’re old pals, says Ronnie of the royals

Got Wood: Ronnie Wood chats to Prince Charles
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Ronnie Wood was at The Prince’s Trust and TKMaxx & Homesense Awards at The London Palladium last night, where the guitarist spoke about his relationship with the royals: “I tend to regard them as my old friends.”

The evening was also attended by Wood’s wife, theatre producer Sally, businessman Levi Roots and actors Anna Friel and Richard E Grant. Grant, discussing his new role as a drag artist in the film adaptation of musical Everybody’s Talking About Jamie, said: “It’s agony when you have to wear the heels.”

Meanwhile, actor Robert Sheehan attended the press night after-party of On Blueberry Hill at Walkers of Whitehall and lamented the politeness of London audiences: “It’s slightly more stick up anus,” he told The Londoner.

At the Watford Palace Theatre, comedian Alfie Brown was supporting his mum, impressionist Jan Ravens, at the press night for a revival of Alan Bennett’s Talking Heads.

SW1A

An Education: Emily Benn

Would Emily Benn, former Labour candidate and granddaughter of Tony Benn, be welcome at RIchard Burgon’s Tony Benn University of political education? “I imagine I would be forced to go for a quick re-education or they won’t let me in,” she says. “But I would be definitely be no-platformed.” That’s solidarity for you.

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Alistair Darling’s former economics adviser Torsten Bell, who now runs the Resolution Foundation, was disturbed by his former colleagues while writing up his think-tank’s budget response. He tweeted: “Half the Treasury downing pints outside front door. Loudly. No respect these days. Nor much social distancing either.”

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The Lib Dems announced that “following careful consideration” they are cancelling their Spring conference in York this weekend. Podcaster Tyron Wilson quips: “Aren’t gatherings of less than 100 supposed to be fine?”

Think big says Booker winner Bernadine

Bernardine Evaristo (Left), Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (Centre) and Margaret Atwood (Right) 
Getty Images

Bernardine Evaristo wants young writers to “dream big” to break down class and cultural barriers. The Booker Prize winner told the Market Research Society conference that many Brits are “taught to think small”. While the privileged “find it easy to navigate through certain systems regardless of how mediocre they are”, others have to “learn to be entitled and to know that we can get what we want. Eventually”. The Woman, Girl, Other author, though, avoids foisting politics on readers, saying that one of the book’s characters is a Northumberland Brexiteer. And, asked if she had “aspirations beyond writing”, Evaristo firmly declined. More’s the shame!​

Quote of the day

‘MAN FI WASH DEM HAN’​

Grime artist JME has zero tolerance for those who don’t follow coronavirus protocol

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