New Zealand v England: Same old story for tourists as they fail to find a cure for travel sickness

 
Reuters
Dan Jones7 March 2013

The comforting thing is that this is basically a ritual now, isn’t it? England haven’t exactly roared their way into overseas Test series during the past few years.

The pattern is well established. The team come into the series full of promise, or form, or expectation, or at the very least hope. Then the wheels fly off the minute the key is in the ignition. It often takes the rest of the series to put things right.

Since November 2005, England have either lost or drawn their first Tests on tours of Pakistan, India, Australia, Sri Lanka, New Zealand, India (again), the West Indies, South Africa (again) Australia (again), Sri Lanka (again) and India (again, again).

In fact, since beating South Africa in Port Elizabeth in 2004, the only series opener England have managed to win was against Bangladesh in Chittagong, in 2010. So, given recent history, England’s grisly first innings against New Zealand was true to form. The steady rattle of wickets as England puttered and backfired their way to 167 all out at Dunedin felt so familiar that it was barely even disconcerting, let alone depressing.

The consolation is that, more recently, things tend to get better. The last time England actually lost an away series following a bad start was against West Indies in 2009. The strategy now seems to be to play an away series like Usain Bolt runs the 100m: an ordinary start tricks the opposition into complacency, before the kick towards the finish line destroys them. At least, that’s the theory.

All the same, this really has been a lousy, lousy, hopeless, useless, diabolical start. As well executed as New Zealand’s bowling tactics were, too many of England’s top order batsmen gave their wickets away with lazy shots. So, too, did their middle order batsmen. And their lower order batsmen.

Perhaps the guiltiest man was Ian Bell, who creamed a ball to short extra cover when he was on 24 and playing well.

Bell was snared to a ruse set not especially craftily by Brendon McCullum. The New Zealand captain, sensing that Bell might be approaching some sort of comfort zone, left a few inviting gaps in the off-side field and asked Neil Wagner to bowl around the wicket. The plan worked perfectly. Plop! went the ball. Slap! went Bell. Yippee! went the New Zealand fielders.

Bell had been reeled in, like a prize carp with the angler’s hook poking through its gob, just above the barbels. Easy for the fisherman; annoying, and a bit embarrassing, for the fish.

But singling Bell out should not detract from the abject performance of his team-mates. Young and old, experienced and inexperienced, most played daft shots to unthreatening balls on a pitch that New Zealand, who finished the day on 131 without loss, found to contain very few demons.

England will now struggle not to lose this tour-opening Test match. But hey, what’s new? We’ve been here plenty of times before.

Starting to worry

Since beating South Africa by seven wickets in Port Elizabeth in 2004 under Michael Vaughan, England have only won the first Test of an away series once . . . and that was against lowly Bangladesh in 2010.

Nov 2005: Pakistan (Multan)

Pakistan won by 22 runs

Mar 2006: India (Nagpur)

Match drawn

Nov 2006: Australia (Brisbane) Australia won by 277 runs

Dec 2007: Sri Lanka (Kandy)

Sri Lanka won by 88 runs

Mar 2008: New Zealand (Hamilton)

New Zealand won by 189 runs

Dec 2008: India (Chennai)

India won by 6 wickets

Feb 2009: West Indies (Kingston)

W Indies won by an inns and 23 runs

Dec 2009: South Africa (Centurion)

Match drawn

Mar 2010: Bangladesh (Chittagong)

England won by 181 runs

Nov 2010: Australia (Brisbane)

Match drawn

Mar 2012: Sri Lanka (Galle)

Sri Lanka won by 75 runs

Nov 2012: India (Ahmedabad)

India won by 9 wickets

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