Des Kelly: I don’t want to see Roy Hodgson lose his job - but please try to be more upbeat

 
Glum outlook: Fans are tired of hearing the same excuses
Des Kelly10 September 2014

The news that The Great British Bake Off attracted nearly double the television audience of England’s most recent international match came as a complete surprise, especially when you consider how much drama there was.

Remember that moment when Raheem Sterling was sent clear of the Norway defence by Daniel Sturridge, only to fluff the chance because Mary Berry made Martha cry by saying her custard tarts had an inexplicably soggy bottom?

Oh, hang on a minute. There is a chance I may have been fiddling about with the remote control, too.

Even so, I’d rather bake a cake than watch England at the moment.

Wembley was half full against Norway, so I’m obviously not alone. Why fork out to see overpriced stodge flung into the oven, when the recipe is always the same and whatever emerges is destined for the bin?

Amusingly, England’s head chef Roy Hodgson responded to his critics with the kind of restraint Gordon Ramsay showed the day he accidentally dropped his sausage in a deep fat fryer.

“Absolute f***ing b******s,” he snapped, when informed his players had managed two shots on target against Norway.

The sight of Hodgson biting back at his detractors was at odds with his public profile but, for that moment, he exhibited more passion than his players in the preceding 90 minutes. Hodgson went on, adding: “Don’t give me statistics — you can use them to prove anything”.

This is true. For instance, you can prove two defeats in the group stages of a World Cup will lead to a humiliating early exit. Statistics are cruel like that.

You can also point out that of all the teams who underwhelmed out in South America, only Russia, Portugal and England have retained their head coach. While Brazil, Italy, South Korea, Japan and Ivory Coast all removed the man in charge. So, statistically, Hodgson can count himself fortunate that he is still in the job. He is a decent and sensible man and I’ve no desire to see his number come up but he has to help change the mood somehow. For starters, instead of complaining about the air of negativity surrounding his squad, he might try to sound a little less downbeat himself.

The vacuum left by the absence of the Premier League on any given weekend is now filled by grumbles and gripes about the failings of the country’s best, rather than genuine outrage.

It’s because people are bored. Bored of hearing about the supposed dearth of talent; bored of the endless debate about whether Wayne Rooney should be part of the side, or even have a place in the starting eleven. They’re bored of hearing players whine about the criticism they receive; bored of ex-players claiming they’re ready to help — when they’d run a mile if they were handed any responsibility; and they’re bored of reading newspaper columnists complaining they are bored.

I hope Hodgson turns it around, starting tonight against Switzerland. If that leads to eventual European glory, I’ll even send him a cake. An upside-down cake.

Platini tries to play Napoleon

Believe it or not, there was a time when Michel Platini was popular.

The former French maestro’s switch from the playing fields to the corridors of power nearly a decade ago was greeted with some acclaim.

This was based on one very important character trait. Platini was not Sepp Blatter, a huge plus in any walk of life.

The problem with Platini is that he decided to be Napoleon instead.

His latest dictatorial act of idiocy is to threaten Franck Ribery with a three-match ban if he declines to join up with the French national team.

Platini seems blissfully untroubled by the fact that Ribery has already retired from the international game.

“It is not the decision of the players whether they come to the national team — this is the decision of the coach,” said Platini. “Ribery cannot simply decide whether he plays for France or not. If he does not come, he is suspended for three games with Bayern Munich.”

Reading that, it’s hard to avoid the thought that the wrong guy retired.

Still war for Hamilton and Rosberg

Getty

Was Lewis Hamilton’s comeback victory over Nico Rosberg rigged at Monza? It’s possible in the murky world of Formula One.

There are some things you can’t fake, however, and there is no doubt these two drivers still detest one another.

If you stayed with the scenes after the chequered flag, you will have caught the excruciating minutes where the top three finishers gather in a tiny antechamber to prepare for their podium appearances.

This is where they towel down, slap on sponsored watches and caps and struggle to be civil to one another as the camera lurks in the background.

It showed race winner Hamilton resolutely presenting his back to Rosberg. The German, for his part, decided to chat away to third-placed Felipe Massa in Italian, neatly excluding the Brit from the conversation.

After this, it was quite easy to make an assessment of the chemistry between Mercedes’ two warring drivers. It’s like a stink bomb.

Suarez has a taste for waffle

Luis Suarez is at Barcelona, mouthing the kind of diplomatic waffle we’ve all heard before while we all wait for him to sink his teeth into someone else.

He says: “I must be cautious, responsible and also intelligent.”

It’s much simpler than that, Luis. Just stop biting people.

Create a FREE account to continue reading

eros

Registration is a free and easy way to support our journalism.

Join our community where you can: comment on stories; sign up to newsletters; enter competitions and access content on our app.

Your email address

Must be at least 6 characters, include an upper and lower case character and a number

You must be at least 18 years old to create an account

* Required fields

Already have an account? SIGN IN

By clicking Create Account you confirm that your data has been entered correctly and you have read and agree to our Terms of use , Cookie policy and Privacy policy .

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.

Thank you for registering

Please refresh the page or navigate to another page on the site to be automatically logged in

MORE ABOUT