Elise Christie exclusive: ‘As soon as I’d done it, I didn’t want to be dead. Now I need to help others suffering’

Team GB speed skater on her struggle with self-harming.
Elise Christie | Tony Woolliscroft

Shortly after Christmas 2018, Elise Christie remembers picking up the knife, but this time it was different. No longer intent on simply self-harm, she dug it deeper and deeper into her arm.

With blood pouring everywhere, there was the sudden realisation she did not want to die and so promptly dialled for an ambulance.

Telling the doctors who treated her that she had fallen on a glass — well aware they did not believe her — she thankfully survived to tell the tale, which is laid out in all its harrowing detail in Christie’s incredibly raw autobiography, Resilience.

Of that fateful night, the short track speed skater recalls: “I’d had a lot of trauma, including a sexual assault which occurred when I was younger, stuff with bullying, I’d lost my boyfriend, my coach had been made redundant.

“I felt alone and got to the point where I stood in my room late at night. Everything just overwhelmed me, the whole thought of being a failure. I thought my whole life had been about the Olympic medal and it was the only thing that made me feel worthy on this earth. I’d failed, I hadn’t done it.

“I’d had enough, I can’t feel like this anymore. I cut as deep as I could and pressed as hard as I could. I don’t know how long it was but there was blood everywhere. As soon as I’d done it, I didn’t want to be dead, I was scared, I didn’t want to die.”

To her credit, she has not held back in her book, detailing the often daily bouts of self-harm that led to such a crunch point.

She has gone six months without self-harm — something she is understandably proud of — and only once in the last three months has she even thought about doing so.

Christie’s sporting turmoil was played out very publicly at the Winter Olympics of that year in PyeongChang. Seen as arguably Britain’s best bet for gold, she suffered crashes, injuries and disqualifications.

It brought a physical and mentalcollapse in the aftermath. Having spent a decade pushing herself in training, she had not addressed some of the issues in her life. As she put it, suddenly “everything hit me all at once”.

The book has been cathartic and painful, with the stories ranging from bullying at school to being raped at the age of 19 on a night out shortly after her return from the Vancouver Olympics.

But inspired by Dame Kelly Holmes, who also struggled with self-harm during her sporting career, she decided it was important to send a message to others.

“If I save one person, that’s more important than any Olympic medal,” she says. “My biggest motivator is that I can help other people struggling with the same things.”

Growing up, Christie was always known as the child who saw things through rose-tinted spectacles, even when times were tough. She still tries to see the good in every situation, although that approach has become tougher over the years.

Her mental health problems, she told herself, were not meant to happen to elite athletes — she was tough and could cope — so she took herself off her medication but quickly spiralled out of control.

Now back on her meds, is she finally at peace? “I still have a lot to go through with my psychologist based on everything that happened,” she says. “But I feel content my life isn’t just about my Olympic medal anymore, that there is more to it.

“It doesn’t mean if I have a bad session on the ice that means I’m ugly — that’s how I thought. I must have more self-worth than just skating around in circles.”

She likens the self-harm to gambling or alcohol in its almost addictive, self-destructive impact.

When she did it, she felt guilty and only truly realised the impact she had on those around her when a friend took a knife and pressed it to her own arm with the message ‘now you know how it feels’. Despite all that, she is fully aware in dark moments it might happen again.

The hope is any chapters added to the book in the future can be happier ones, in particular a medal at the Beijing Olympics.

Despite her own rebuild, is winning a medal next year something she still needs to do?

“I don’t know,” she admits. “As much as I don’t put my worth on it anymore, how can my story be complete if I don’t? It would be horrible to end such a successful career without one.”

It would be the ultimate redemption story after everything she has been through. That includes an emergency appendectomy since the last Games and the loss of major funding for the short track speed skating programme in the UK, which forced her to work in Pizza Hut to make ends meet.

For someone for whom the ice has long acted as her salvation, from the young child bullied to the one now rebuilding her body and mind, the thought of no longer competing she calls “a stresser, for sure”.

One only hopes it is with that long-sought-after Olympic medal around her neck.

Order Elise Christie: Resilience at: reachsportshop.com/book/elise-christie-resilience/

If you are struggling to cope, please call Samaritans free on 116 123 (UK and the Republic of Ireland), email jo@samaritans.org or contact other sources of support, such as those listed on the NHS help for suicidal thoughts webpage.

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