Sport on TV: Masters 2017, Formula One and Grand National - Dan Jones runs you through what to watch this weekend

Gunning for the green | Jordan Spieth is one of the Masters favourite following Dustin Johnson's withdrawal
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Dan Jones7 April 2017

Golf a good walk spoiled? It’s more fun than falling down the stairs

The Masters
Friday to Sunday (Sky Sports 1 & 4 and BBC2 from 7pm)

A fat bloke from history once called golf a good walk spoiled. Of course, the TV Guide has never had a good walk, life essentially being a prelude to the day we get our mobility scooter. At a push, however, we’ll gladly spend four consecutive nights staring at the telly as dozens of golfers thrash the white dimpled thing around the azalea bushes down in Georgia. And that’s just as well, because this weekend the Masters is on.

The news as the TV Guide writes to you is that the pre-tournament favourite, Dustin Johnson, has fallen down the stairs, the reigning champ, Danny Willett, has fallen off a cliff and Colin Montgomerie, who came eighth here in 1998, has been seen hobbling around Augusta in a protective boot, on account of an ankle injury he says he picked up kicking his ex-wife. Jokes!

The TV Guide, for the record, disdains kicking ex-wives, current wives or future wives, a feeling that unfortunately is not reciprocated by Mrs TV Guide, who feels that you put kicks into a relationship rather than getting them out of it. But that’s a subject for another time.

Back to the Masters. There’s live coverage on Sky Sports 1 and Sky Sports 4 tonight and tomorrow night from 7pm. On Sunday, the final round is on Sky Sports 4 from 6pm and Sky Sports 1 from 6.30pm. Rupert Murdoch really wants you to watch the Masters. Indeed, on Sunday it’s also on Sky Sports Mix. The TV Guide resents this, since Sky Sports Mix is where we get our nightly stimulation watching women’s netball and documentaries about African fishing. But Augusta comes just once a year, so we’ll just have to live with it.

No Sky? It’s cool: the BBC has got this, and it turns out that they also really want you to watch the Masters. Tonight at 7pm on BBC2 Hazel Irvine fronts highlights of yesterday’s play. On Saturday from 7.30pm there’s live coverage of round three, and on Sunday from 6.30pm Peter Alliss will be whispering all over the final round.

But what will he be whispering? And who’s going to end up wearing the seaweed-coloured blazer? Right now the TV Guide’s got bupkes. This time last week we would have said Johnson, but then, you know: stairs. Meanwhile, Rory McIlroy has admitted he’s a “complete prick” in the build-up to the Masters, since he’s stressin’ over that career slam. The TV Guide has a lot of time for complete pricks — solidarity, brothers! — so it would be nice to see Rory charging down the final nine ready to put 2011 out of mind for good. But what about Jordan Spieth? Or Jason Day? Phil Mickelson at 28/1 looks tasty, too.

Ultimately the TV Guide hasn’t got a clue, and why would we? When it comes to it we’re just a humble observer, slumbering in our Laz-E-Boy, flicking aimlessly from Sky Sports Mix to Sky Sports 4 and wondering if life will be better or worse when the mobility scooter arrives.

Mark Thompson/Getty Images

Eat up Max, a spring-roll chaser won't slow you down

Chinese Grand Prix
Sunday (Sky Sports F1, 7am)

Young Max Verstappen may well have a bright future in motorsport, but he'll never make a top sporting TV preview pundit like the TV Guide.

It's the Chinese Grand Prix this weekend (Sunday 7am Sky Sports F1) but Verstappen says he's going to hold back on his intake of Chinese food in observation of his athletic diet. Good for racing, Maxy, but bad for the soul.

The TV Guide has never knowingly started a Sunday without a good feed on last night's chow mein leftovers with a spring-roll chaser. Has it done us any harm? Don't answer that.

This weekend's race looks to be a shoot-out between Mercedes and the newly fast Ferraris. Will Lewis Hamilton get on top after being pipped to a first win of the season in Melbourne? Or will Sebastian Vettel deliver a first Ferrari win in Shangai since 2013?

The TV Guide will get back to you on that, we're to busy slavering over steamed pork buns to concentrate.

In pictures | Aintree Grand National through the years

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Whisper it softly, Ed Chamberlin is at Aintree

Grand National
Saturday (ITV, 5.15pm)

Having been raised in a barn, the TV Guide knows a thing or two about horses. Actually, two. Just two. You put carrots in the mouth end and when you pull their tails they poop.

Which, coincidentally, is pretty much the exact level of nag knowledge possessed by most punters who will be making their annual trip to the bookies tomorrow to wager next term’s school fees on the Grand National (ITV, 5.15pm).

This year the race has a new home on Channel Three, which is what Ma and Pa TV Guide called ITV before the metric system came in. Coverage is hosted by Ed Chamberlin, with guests including AP McCoy.

Hang on a second, did we say Ed Chamberlin? As in him off the football, who says things like “It’s going to be a fascinating battle out there Gary” in the urgent and deathly serious tones that most of us would reserve for phrases such as “I’ve just solved the legendarily difficult mathematical problem P vs NP” or “Doctor, I’d like you to cauterise my haemorrhoids”. Yes, that’s the fella. And no doubt it’s going to be a fascinating battle out there at Aintree, AP.

As is traditional, 40 horses will start the race, about half the field will end up being shot after stacking it at Becher’s Brook, and the TV Guide will lump on a donkey who stops halfway round to eat one of the jumps. Why do we do it to ourselves, you ask, and the TV Guide really doesn’t have a decent answer.

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