Sporting Miscellanies

13 April 2012
Dad's Army of Surrey prepare for the worst

With Millwall due in Ali G's hometown tomorrow for an FA Cup second-round tie, and the club's reputation preceding it, it is a relief to find the good people of Staines cleaving to Corporal Jones's advice not to panic.

"I will have no hesitation in ringing 999 if there is any trouble," a resident anonymously informs the Staines News.

"One of my neighbours has said they will board up the front windows of the house."

Others are planning to hide their cars, and while there are no confirmed reports yet of anyone digging out the old Anderson shelter, or giving that nuclear bunker they locked up when the Berlin Wall fell a once over with the Dyson, there is still a day to go.

Age hasn't mellowed Roy of the ranters

That precocious little fella Roy Keane, couldn't you just eat him up after his apology for some unwontedly trenchant remarks (it was all Ireland's fault for not taking their chances; everyone involved with Ireland is a self-pitying imbecile) following Thierry Henry's Michael Jordanian dribble?

"The comments were perhaps over the top and I apologise to any supporter I might have offended," muttered Keane through the most audibly gritted of teeth.

"I'm 38 years of age and I am going to make mistakes."

He mustn't beat himself up like this. Two years shy of 40 and already this Mozart of management
is attending press conferences unsupervised. Next thing you know, he'll be tying his own shoelaces.

If only our leaders had been more like Kim

It isn't every day you get the opportunity to celebrate Kim Jong-il for showering kindness upon his people, but this is one of them.

The Supreme Leader decrees that North Korea's state broadcaster will show no live World Cup games next summer, while highlights of North Korea's matches will be screened only if they have won.

It may sound a touch eccentric, and possibly not to all tastes. But imagine the grief and trauma avoided over almost 40 years had Wilson, Thatcher and Blair shown the same tough love as Kim and spared us the misery of watching England crash out live in the World Cups.

We need Carol to solve this tennis conundrum

If you missed last night's Group A finale at the ATP Tour Finals, it made cricket's Duckworth-Lewis method look like something involving an abacus on Sesame Street. With no one certain who had qualified for the semi-finals after Juan Martin Del Potro had beaten Roger Federer, and officials apparently poring over slide rules for 10 minutes before deciding that Andy Murray had lost out by a fraction on percentage of games agh, sod it. Who am I, the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge?
Utter chaos and total farce — at one point it seemed Virginia Wade was through — and Sky will have no choice next year but to drop Mark Petchey from the commentary box in favour of Carol Vorderman.

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