Why you Aussies are a joke

Good-natured banter is part of any sporting event, so here are a few gags to bait your Australian friends with in the run-up to - and during - Saturday's Rugby World Cup final.

What do you call an Australian in a suit? The defendant.

An Australian player went to the doctor and said: "I've just been playing rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, arms, head, tummy - everywhere - it really hurt." The doctor replied: "You've broken your finger."

What do Australian fans and sperm have in common? One in three million has a chance of becoming a human being.

Four surgeons taking a coffee break . . . The first one says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered."
The second surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon says: "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says: "I prefer an Australian rugby fan. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for training and tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.

A Japanese firm has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.

And finally, a concession to our former colonial cousins . . .

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing an England rugby jersey and is festooned with England pom-poms.
The bartender says: "Hey! No pets are allowed." The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desperate, we're both big fans, the TV is broken at home and this is the only place we can see the game." The bartender relents and allows them to stay. The English kick off and march down field, get stopped at the 22 and kick a penalty goal.
Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says: "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a try?" The owner replies: "I don't know . . . I've only had him for three years."