The presents we don't want

5 April 2012

Presents women don't want

1 Nylon, scratchy underwear (particularly red, or with pom-poms).
2 Any chocolates she sees every day in the supermarket (or worse, 24-hour garage shop).
3 Slimming books or work-out videos (particularly featuring well-toned women in their 40s).
4 Tiny cushions smelling of lavender.
5 Beatrix Potter figurines (or drawer liners).
6 Treble CDs comprising 100 Ultimate Relaxing Highlights From The Timeless Classics.
7 Steam irons (or the board to go with them).
8 Wipe-clean shopping list boards.
9 Candlewick dressing gowns (with or without satin quilted lapels).
10 Ribbon-bound packs of notelets (especially with kittens or fairies).
11 Five-year diaries (even if lockable).
12 Scarf 'n' mitts combos.
13 Padded coat hangers (particularly scented).
14 Poinsettias.
15 A necklace with the slogan 'Mum' (or worse, 'Best Mum in the World').

Presents men don't want

1 Turtle Wax (with or without a 'chammy' to accompany it).
2 Toiletry gift sets (particularly those involving deodorant).
3 Bumper packs of razors (particularly if the Cellophane pack reads Bumper Pack).
4 Homer Simpson bubble bath (or Bart).
5 Looney Tunes ties (or socks, or boxers).
6 Shoe-shine kits (particularly in a jokey retro tin).
7 Beer glasses engraved with their names.
8 Passport covers (particularly if initialled).
9 Miniature Ferraris (or Porsches, or Mini-Coopers from The Italian Job).
10 Key rings of any description.
11 Nose-hair trimmers.
12 Books of golf jokes (or after-dinner stories).
13 Electric trouser press (as ignored in hotels).
14 A 'fun' wine glass that takes a whole bottle.
15 Sweatshirts that read Under Gardener, Galley Slave, I Just Work Here, or anything else remotely like it.

Presents children don't want

1 Board games (unless pertaining to the latest film or TV fantastical idiocy).
2 Jigsaws (obviously).
3 Games of skill (or, indeed, anything else in this genre, unless it plugs in or requires around a dozen AA batteries and generally makes one hell of a noise).
4 Unpainted, beautifully crafted wooden traditional toys (particularly if they don't even have wheels).
5 Clothes. Unless a) for girls: sparkly. b) for boys: black.
6 One of those miniature wheelbarrows, or a trowel and watering can set (or anything else that even so much as hints at work of any kind whatsoever).
7 Premium Bonds.
8 The Complete Works Of Shakespeare.
9 Walkie-talkies (as if they don't already have those nifty state-of-the-art, colour-screen, text-sending mobiles with built-in digital cameras).
10 Chocolates or biscuits. These are a Given. They will be Around. They do not constitute A Present.